We all expect some sleepless nights when we have a baby, and I’m never going to tell anyone otherwise. Babies naturally wake during the night to feed, for comfort, and well, just because really. We’ve carried this little person around continuously for 9 months, so to then expect them to sleep through in a wicker basket is not only unrealistic, it’s pretty unreasonable. On a side note, there will ALWAYS be someone you meet/know/ your mum’s hairdressers friend (delete where appropriate), who claims their little darling slept through from night one (take this information with a pinch of salt, their child also probably ate a roast dinner at 6 weeks, began talking at 12 weeks and then climbed Mount Kilimanjaro by 3 months).
Now, this post isn’t knocking baby groups. who doesn’t like a rendition of ‘Say Hello to the Sun’ (if you know-you know). But sometimes, you meet people who just don’t get what you might be going through when you have sleep concerns with you little one.
I was attending a local group for little ones, and my little boy was about 4 months at the time. His sleep was horrendous. Or insert any word that is worse than horrendous-it was that. I knew something wasn’t right. Whilst all the other mums looked, well, awake, engaged and happy, I felt awful. My skin was a lovely shade of grey and my under eye bags each had their own suitcase. I was on the edge. I felt isolated, embarrassed and tired. So very very tired. I just knew something wasn’t right.
My son was already on reflux medication, but it was doing hardly anything to help him when he screamed from around 4pm (school pick-up time, great) until around midnight. I had asked, no, fought, with my GP (that’s a story for another day), for a referral to a specialist allergy consultant, and we were waiting for the appointment. In the meantime, I was trying my very best. So on this particular day, I had dragged myself to this group. I knew it was good for the little guy, and also I’d gone a paid for a 6 week slot, so felt like I really should show my face a few times.
Isn’t it funny how certain moments stick in your mind?
Now with this group, we all sat in a circle, sang some songs, did some stretches and did baby massage. The group leader had her own plastic doll in front of her to demonstrate the moves which we all diligently copied. At the start of the group, we each shared a little bit about how our week was going, what we were worried about, just a little chat and discussion. I have since come to realise I hate sharing in a circle. I find it un-natural and I’m just not one for sharing my week with total strangers. I realise there is some irony to that as I type this blog, but I’m not sitting in a circle with my baby in front of me, this is sharing on my terms. I’m not being forced like an adult show-and-tell.
Now, I hadn’t really discussed with the group how bad my son’s sleep was. In part, I didn’t have the energy. But today, for whatever reason I decided to tell them. As my turn came, I told them about how my little boy screamed all evening, how I was averaging 2 hours of solid sleep a night, how I was just so tired, and more importantly, how I just knew something was not quite right.
And do you know what the teacher said? She said, that all babies wake in the night, that most babies cry in the evening, and yes it can be tough, but it all sounded normal.
In that moment, I wanted to run up to her, get her stupid plastic doll and drop-kick it over her head to the field at the back of the building.
I hadn’t asked whether it was normal. I hadn’t asked for anyone to fix it. I hadn’t asked even for an opinion.
I KNEW it wasn’t right. I KNEW something was amiss somewhere.
And that’s the key point.
You don’t get an award for being the most sleep deprived. You don’t get a special badge to wear- that your child sleeps’ the least. It’s not a competition.
Sleep is personal.
In that moment, all I wanted was for someone to acknowledge that I didn’t feel it was normal. I just needed someone to see me. I just needed to feel heard. I didn’t want anyone to fix it, to make a suggestion (I spent each night Googling for several hours, so at this point I honestly could have wrote a thesis on sleep deprivation, reflux and allergies).
But I wasn’t heard.
And I felt that a few times during my time of being severely sleep deprived. A few people told me it was normal. A few people heard what I said, but didn’t listen, and then wen to tell me how their child didn’t sleep well.
And so the sad thing is, I stopped talking about it. I just got on with it.
My son did get diagnosed with cow’s milk, wheat and soya allergies. And we did get some support. But it wasn’t until we got support with his sleep when he was one, that things really improved for us. I finally got more than 2 hours sleep and it completely transformed our lives.
To any parent’s reading this who are wondering whether to seek support with their child’s sleep, I’d say go with your gut. If you are struggling, if it’s not sustainable, please do it – get some sleep support and don’t look back. I’m afraid some people just won’t get it. But from someone who has been there, not listening to those who dismissed me, or even tried to ‘top trump’ me on the sleep front-was the best thing I could have done.
Sure, sleepless nights are to be expected. But consistent sleeplessness nights that make you feel like a zombie…on a daily basis…that’s something else…and that’s something I now strive to support families with.
And you know, I will always remember that group, and I never really spoke much after that. I went a few more times and then cut my losses. Because I know my child better than anyone, let alone a lady with a cushion and a plastic Tiny Tim.
