I’ve wanted to chat about this for a while, but to be honest, it’s really hard to fit it into a three minute reel (thanks Instagram algorithm), and I wanted to make sure I say my points eloquently enough. Because there are definitely two sides to this discussion.
A lot of you will know that I am actually relatively new to social media. I deleted all of my accounts just over ten years ago now, and I had nothing. That’s right. Zero. Zilch. Nada. And then I came back with a bang in January 2025 as I started Sleep Nurse UK.
And lots of things have changed in that time (understatement). But whilst social media is amazing and has lots of positives (including the Beckham’s meme saga), it also shows us lots of posts, articles or reels that need to be taken with a pinch of salt. That underneath the cute pictures and the writing, the emotive story-telling actually makes you feel a certain way, that isn’t always positive at all.
One particular post keeps popping up across my feeds, but it seems to have lots of variations. The post is written from the viewpoint of a child, stating how they wake in the night and feel so alone. They walk along the hallway and just want to be in bed with mum and dad. The post uses lots of emotive words, and really plays on the child simply wanting to feel loved. They are scared in the night and just want to be next to their parents. It’s not for forever. Soon they won’t need to get up in the night at all.
Sometimes the post is about a child crying in their cot, feeling like nobody will come to them. That they parents expect them to sleep alone all night. They feel abandoned and simply want their mum and dad. And they won’t be like this forever, and they just wanted to feel safe and warm and loved.
Now obviously, all children should feel safe and warm and loved. It kind of goes without saying. But for me, it’s the underlying message in these posts that irks me.
These posts really have an undercurrent tone which implies every single parent should either be bedsharing (if that is what the child wants), and also parents should be waking with their child in the night, no matter how many times that is, to ensure they are being responsive and so their child feels safe and loved.
Now I should point out, that if you are bedsharing, if your child does creep into your bed at night, or if you are awake more times than you can remember with your child in the night, that’s all good, IF you feel OK with it. IF it feels manageable and sustainable.
When parents work with me, sleep is hard. They’ve often tried so many things before, they’ve put up with zero sleep, they’ve gone to work and can barely focus, they dread the nights of countless wake-ups. It’s incredibly hard for them, and also a lot of the time, their child shows signs that they are tired too. Nobody in the household is getting consolidated sleep. But parents still feel guilty about making a change. They question if they are being selfish, when actually they can barely function.
And that’s why posts like these aren’t helpful. Because they imply to parents that they should just be getting on with it. They imply that unless you are waking up multiple times/you let your child in your bed, that you’re not being responsive. They make parents feel guilty if they want to make a change with sleep.
And what the posts lack are an understanding of the uniqueness of sleep and family dynamics and life. That actually continuing to run on empty as parent isn’t a case of just drinking more coffee. Prolonged sleep deprivation has a huge impact on mental health and wellbeing, physical health, stress and relationships.
Nobody comes to work with me for the sake of it.
Parents work with me because sleep is no longer sustainable. And these posts serve a commentary that by shifting sleep habits, you’re not being responsive. You’re being selfish. And nothing could be further from the truth.
I’ve had parents break down in tears because sleep is so bad. They can’t see a way out of the relentless nights, and then having to parent or work all day. They are in survival mode. And I should know, because I’ve been there too.
When I was in the depths of sleep deprivation with my youngest, I too was in survival mode. My days were spent mostly adding up the minutes of sleep I was having (so that didn’t take long), and then worrying about the night ahead. I wasn’t enjoying being a mum. I was just showing up and getting the days done. But even with all this going on, I still felt guilt for wanting to make a change. Shouldn’t I just be getting on with it? Wasn’t more sleep just being selfish?
Changing sleep habits can be done in the most gentle and responsive way, ensuring a child’s attachment and development is supported. Ensuring children feel responded to and supported. Because sleep always always comes from a place where child feel reassured and loved.
And for parents, its taking something that can have a negative impact on so many aspects of life, and turning it into something that feels predictable and sustainable. Where they feel empowered when it comes to sleep.
So when I see these posts pop up on my feed, they make me feel they are selling parents a false narrative. They make sleep seem very black and white. They make parents feel they are doing something wrong.
But sleep is unique. Sleep is individual. It all comes down to how that feels for you and your family. Yes bedshare if you want to. Yes get up as many times as you need to in order to help your child with sleep. But equally, there is absolutely nothing wrong in making changes to sleep when it feels unmanageable. No cartoon post can understand the intricacies of sleep and family life. And no post should make any parent feel guilty in their choices.
